


The Lie

by CantSpeakFae



Series: The Scars Souvenir [17]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode(s) Revisit + Revision, In-Character Angel Bashing, Missing Scenes, Written from Xander's P.O.V
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 19:04:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18288383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantSpeakFae/pseuds/CantSpeakFae
Summary: ...How did it come to this?





	The Lie

“Xander!”   
  
Xander turns to the sound of his name, beyond relieved to see that it’s Buffy and not one of the unhinged and dangerous vampires that are alleged to be walking around these parts. And he nods his head in her direction, hoping the way that his legs are shaking isn’t too noticeable.   
  
“Cavalry’s here. Calvary’s a frightened guy with a rock,” He says, holding up the weapon he’d grabbed on the way. It’s a large stone, heavy in his hand, that he was planning to bash Angel’s skull in with on the off-chance they ran into each other. “But it’s here.”   
  
Buffy holds up a stake and he tosses his rock aside, taking it from her.   
  
“That’s better.”   
  
“You're not here to fight,” Buffy says, her voice cold and strained. She starts walking and he strains to keep up. They're really at war now, aren't they? The final battle. He can feel it. “You get Giles out, and you run like hell, understood? I can’t protect you.”   
  
She pulls the cloth off of what she’s holding. It’s a sword.   
  
“I’m gonna be too busy killing.”  
  
“Now, that’s a new look for you.”   
  
“It's a present for Angel.”   
  
A present for Angel. That reminds him.   
  
“Willow.” He says, coming to a halt. “Uh, she told me to tell you…”   
  
“Tell me what?”   
  
Buffy stops too, looking over at him. And Xander hesitates.   
  
….How did it all come to this?   
  


* * *

  
It was only a matter of time. Xander doesn’t say so, not out loud, because there’s enough pain going around without him pointing out the obvious and because he thinks that they must all know it too; that they’d come to the same conclusion. That it really was only a matter of time until Angel stepped up his game from breaking and entering to… this.   
  
They’re not the only ones who attended the funeral, but they’re the only ones still standing out here, staring at the grave, hours after it ended. Cordelia holds his hand so tightly that she restricts the blood flow and his fingers tingle, but he doesn’t try to pull away. To the left, Willow’s clinging to Oz and crying softly into his shoulder and to the right, Buffy’s staring past the headstone and into an uncertain future.   
  
And Giles.   
  
Giles doesn’t say a word to any of them. He just stands directly in front of the grave, as still a statue. Xander can’t imagine what he’s feeling, right now. He wants to walk closer, maybe tell him that it’ll be okay, but he’s pretty sure that there’s nothing he can say. Ms. Calendar’s dead and there’s nothing that’ll change that.   
  
“You guys should head home,” Buffy said, finally turning to look at them. Her eyes and her voice are hollow, rough with the strain of not breaking down. “It’s going to be dark, soon, and I don’t want you out if Angel is gonna be…”   
  
Giles stiffened at the name, without looking back at them, and Xander jerked his head in his direction.  
  
“What about -”   
  
“I’ll stay with him. Talk to him, try to get him to head home too.”   
  
Xander shakes his head but starts to lead Cordelia away. It’ll take a miracle to get Giles to ever go back home again, and Xander doesn’t blame him at all. How do you ever feel right at home again after something like that? He glances at Cordelia and a more chilling thought rips through him. Where do they go from here? And which one them is going to die next if they do something about Angel and fast?   
  


* * *

  
Buffy gets sick.   
  
It’s bad timing, with fang-face still running around, and just another stress to add to the list of things worth stressing over. Everyone wants to stick around with her, but he’s the only one with parents who wouldn’t notice if he was away for a night - or a month, really - so Xander says he’ll stay and sends everyone home, taking up post down the hall from Buffy’s room, in the waiting room. He’s exhausted and dozing… when he hears whistling. “Ode to Joy” from the sound of it and who else is gonna be whistling Beethoven in a hospital at this hour?   
  
Xander turns his head and sees Angel coming and jumps up from his seat without thinking, meeting him down the hall and getting in his face.   
  
“Visiting hours are over.”   
  
“Well, I'm pretty much family,” Angelus says, looking down at him with a sickly smile.   
  
There are too many witnesses here for either of them to get wiggy. Xander takes a deep breath.   
  
“Yeah. Why don’t you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.”  
  
Angel huffs out a laugh. “If I decide to walk into Buffy’s room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?”   
  
“Maybe not,” Xander said, his gaze shifting away. “Maybe that security guard couldn’t either. Or those cops… or the orderlies… but I’m kinda curious to find out. You game?”   
  
“...Buffy’s White Knight. You still love her.” Angel says, leaning in close. So close, that Xander can feel his cold breath against his cheek. “It must just eat you up that I got there first.”   
  
Xander clenches his jaw and fidgets, nervous to have Angel that close to him but refusing to back down. “You’re gonna die. And I’m gonna be there.”  
  
Angel slaps the flowers against Xander’s chest and snarls.   
  
“Tell her I stopped by.”  
  
He gives Xander one final look and then goes back through the waiting room to the elevator. Xander shudders and covers his mouth to keep from making any sounds of fear as his knees threaten to give out in relief.  
  
It never ends with that guy.  
  


* * *

  
“What are you saying?” Giles asked, looking between Buffy and Willow with uncertainty.  
  
“The Curse,” Buffy says and holds out a printout. “This is it.”  
  
“Looks like Ms. Calendar was trying to replicate the original curse. To restore Angel's soul again.”  
  
Giles reaches out, taking the printout, and staring at it. Something like wonder in his eyes. “She said it couldn’t be done.”   
  
“Well, she tried anyway. And it looks like it might have worked.”  
  
“So he killed her... before she could tell anyone about it. What a prince, huh?” Xander asks, harshly looking away from the three of them. He knows where this is going… he can feel it. They haven’t said it yet, but he’s not so stupid that he doesn’t _know_.   
  
Cordelia’s the one who says it, looking up with bright eyes. “This is good, right? I mean, we can curse him again.”  
  
Buffy starts pacing, his forehead creased with thought. The dam breaks. They start _planning_.  
  
“Um, well, this, um... certainly points the way, but... the ritual itself requires a greater knowledge of the black arts than I, I, I can claim.”  
  
“Well, I've been going through her files and, and researching the black arts, for fun, or educational fun, and I may be able to work this.” Willow chimes in, looking up with tentative certainty.  
  
“W-Willow... channeling... such potent magicks through yourself, it could open a door that you may not be able to close.”  
  
“I don't want you putting yourself in any danger, Will,” Buffy adds, quietly, but Xander can hear that note in her voice. That note of longing, for the quick fix to all this.   
  
“And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger, but I may be the best person to do this.”   
  
No. No, he can’t listen to this. He can’t be HEARING this. What is wrong with all of them? How can they even discuss this like it’s an option? How can Willow be willing to put herself at risk for HIM? He can’t lose her. He can’t lose any of them. Not to this guy, not for this guy, not anymore. Please, God, can one of them just make sense!?  
  
“Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in,” He suddenly snaps, jumping to his feet and walking to the end of the table. “Everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle.”   
  
He pauses, looking at each and every one of their faces.   
  
“Who. Cares.”   
  
“I care.”   
  
Yeah, big shock there. Xander doesn’t shrink at the look in Buffy’s eyes this time, though. He’s heard this song, on repeat. “Is that right?”  
  
“Let's not lose our perspective here, Xander.” Giles chimes in.  
  
And Willow. Willow just _looks_  at him, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing coming out of her mouth. And they’ve all already decided. Without even considering the implications. How can any of them be thinking about this? Willow, after Angel killed her fishes and broke into her house, and choked her in the common area? Buffy, after Angel stalked her, tormented her, attacked her every chance he got? And GILES! Giles, how could he be on the side of this insanity after Angel killed Ms. Calendar? Don’t any of them see that guy for what he is?  
  
Xander clenches his teeth, standing his ground. “I’m perspective guy. Angel’s a killer.”  
  
“Xander…”  
  
“It's not that simple,” Buffy whispers.  
  
And Xander’s disgusted. With them. With all of them. How can these be the same people from last year? The same ones who told him that there was no hope for Jesse and that he had to die? He knows that this is hard for Buffy and he knows that she’s in pain and that the idea of having to kill someone she loves HURTS.  
  
He knows it because he’s BEEN THERE! He killed Jesse. It was the ultimate suck. He screamed and cried every night for weeks after and without anyone ever asking him if he was okay or even talking about it, afterward. And he knows it’s going to be hard for her, but he needs them to realize that this is the only option.   
  
“What? All is forgiven? I can't believe you people!”   
  
Cordelia stands, too. “Xander has a point.”  
  
And he turns on her, eyes flashing. “You know, just for once, I wish you’d support me! And I realize right now that you were, and I’m embarrassed, so I’m gonna get back to the point which is that Angel needs to die!”   
  
“Curing Angel seems to have been Jenny's last wish.”  
  
So, that’s what this is about. He doesn’t care about Angel, he just wants to do right by Ms. Calendar. Xander understands that, but it won’t… it won’t fix anything. It won’t help Giles find peace. It’ll just give Ms. Calendar’s killer new license to keep hanging around them. And he can’t deal with it.   
  
“Yeah? Well, Jenny's dead.” He says, harshly, trying to verbally smack some sense into Giles.  
  
It’s the wrong thing to say, though, because Giles suddenly stomps forward at him. “Don’t you EVER speak of her in that tone again!”   
  
But fuck it if Xander can’t yell back. He’s a Harris, that’s how they communicate at home and he shouts right back at him.   
  
“Can’t you hear what I’m SAYING?!”   
  
“You have no right!”   
  
“You can’t just put a soul back in him and act like he’s a different guy! He’s not! He’s still -”  
  
Buffy rushes over and gets between them. “Stop it! Stop it!”  
  
They both shut up and glare at each other for a moment before turning away. Buffy retreats over to Willow and Giles starts pacing again.  
  
“What do you wanna do?” Willow asks Buffy, quietly.  
  
“I-I don’t know. What happened to Angel wasn’t his fault.”   
  
Losing his soul wasn’t his fault. Getting the thing in the first place was, though, wasn’t? It was a punishment because he was such a _dick_. Are they all just gonna forget that? It's not like he earned it for turning in the most box tops. Jenny’s people should staked that guy on sight.   
  
“Yeah, but what happened to Ms. Calendar is.” Xander says, quietly.   
  
They all fall silent. Buffy and Willow look over at him, with disbelief, and Giles doesn’t look at him at all. But he doesn’t care. They keep talking about Angel. Angel, Angel, Angel, like he’s the victim here. And Xander can’t take it anymore. He can’t take the fear, he can’t take the stress, he can’t face the terror every night, wondering if they’re gonna have to bury another friend. He can’t take it, anymore. And he doesn’t understand how they can.  
  
“You can paint this any way you want.” He says, coldly. “But the way I see it is that you wanna forget all about Ms. Calendar's murder so you can get your boyfriend back.”   
  
Buffy doesn’t say anything. Just turns on her heel and storms out of the library. Xander settles back into his chair and ignores the way that Willow and Giles stare at him.   
  


* * *

  
His arguments weren’t heard. His objections overruled. He wasn’t expecting better than that, but he’s not happy to be here. In fact, he wouldn’t be if he wasn’t so terrified of Willow ending up like Ms. Calendar. Willow, who looks so tiny sitting there cross-legged on the table, with that Orb sitting in front of her, surrounded by candles, bones, and stones.   
  
She looks at them and then gives Giles a nod. He opens a book and reads the Latin text.  
  
“Quod perditum est, invenietur.” Giles intones.  
  
Cordelia swirls incense in the air with a shaking hand while Xander watches, a muscle thumping in his jaw.   
  
Cordelia swirls incense into the air while Xander watches. Kendra stands on guard, nearby, but he’s still uneasy. The hyena paces in his mind, snarling in the dark place he locked it away. Willow’s inciting and… something tackles him from behind. He hits the ground, hard, and hears the doors slam open. Shit! He knew this was going to happen! He knew, he - ow!   
  
“Get out! Go!” Giles shouts.  
  
Xander scrambles against the floor, thrusting his elbow back and getting the vampire that’s on top of him in the face, sending him reeling back into a bookcase. He gets back to his feet and can hear Kendra’s grunts and the sound of her hits landing, and he sees a flash of red when Willow runs for the stacks, looking for a way to escape, while Cordelia stands there, frozen with fear.   
  
No, no, no. Cordy, baby, come on. You gotta run or you gotta fight! He can’t see her get hurt. Xander starts for her, but the vampire he elbowed rushes him again and he sidesteps. He’s not fast enough to avoid the second lunge, though, and gets slammed into a bookcase.   
  
Nearby, he sees another bookcase fall and hears Willow scream in pain and then… nothing. No. Oh, god, NO. He struggles against the vampire holding him, trying to run for her, but the vampire grabs his arm, loops his own around it tightly and then pulls down. Hard. Xander hears and feels the bone break and he yelps in agony, his eyes blurring with tears of pain and his knees threatening to buckle.   
  
No. He can’t fall. He can’t give in. He grabs the vampire’s hair with his uninjured arm and slams his face into the railing before picking him back up and swinging him into the vampire that’s running at Cordelia, who’s still frozen. Both of them fall over and Xander turns on Cordelia, his dark eyes full of pain and fire.   
  
“GO!”   
  
He grabs at his broken arm, clutching it and wincing with pain. Cordelia screams, broken out of place by his shout. She runs through the stacks and Xander hopes to god that she makes it out, because he’s not sure he’s gonna. He turns, looking for Kendra. The vampire she’s fighting swings at her, but Kendra ducks into her and comes up holding back the vampire's head. She plunges her stake into her heart, and she bursts into ashes.   
  
Xander winces again in pain, feeling faint with agony. Where’s Willow? He can’t see her. But a vampire is going for Giles, now, who’s still lying on the floor and Xander starts for him. Kendra’s faster and pulls the vampire off of him and then shoves him down into the floor. He tries to get up, but she just punches him back down, and when he tries for the third time, she grabs him and throws him through the window of Giles’ office… just as another one tackles her from the side. These guys never give up, do they?   
  
He should help her. He should -  
  
Something hits him, so hard he sees stars. And then he hits the ground and there’s nothing but darkness.  
  


* * *

  
Xander starts coming to in the library, just in time to see the cops go after Buffy. He tries to raise his head, but it feels like it’s made of lead and his mouth feels like it’s full of cotton.  
  
“Bu-Buh-Buff…” He tries to call after her, coughing hard.   
  
“It’s okay, son.”   
  
A police officer kneels down next to him, speaking softly.   
  
“It’s all going to be okay.”   
  
That guy has no idea how wrong he is. But Xander just slumps down, again, his head spinning.   
  
“Where’s Willow?” He asks, his voice faint.   
  


* * *

  
It takes forever for him to get them to let him get out of the medical cot. They put the plaster on his arm and gave him the pills for the headache… and, eventually, finally answered his questions about Willow and let him up. He’s dashing through the hall when he runs he sees her.   
  
Buffy.   
  
She’s dressed to hide her face, but he’d know her anywhere and reaches out to touch her on the arm. She whirls around, afraid, but then crumples with relief when she sees that it’s him.  
  
“Xander!” She gasps, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. “Ohhh….”  
  
He’d been angry. Furious, actually. He knew that this was going to happen. He’d told them that if they tried this, they were going to get hurt. But it melts away when she clings to him and he hugs her back, holding her tightly until she lets go and steps back.  
  
“I was so worried, I didn't know if you were okay. The cops were…”  
  
“Yeah, I, I heard them chase you out. I was just coming out of it.” Xander nods and holds up his arm in a cast. “Souvenir.”  
  
“Well, what about the others? Are they okay?  
  
Xander sees two police officers come into the hall behind her before he can answer and he yanks her back into a hug, silently hoping she won’t struggle. And when they step out of sight, Xander lets go again.  
  
“Okay, that was about equal parts protecting me and copping a feel, right?” Buffy asks, smiling.  
  
Xander doesn't smile back. He just looks down, pain and worry crashing over him, again. He’s not the only one who’s taking up residency in the hospital… and he has to tell her, even if he doesn’t want to believe it, himself.   
  
Buffy looks up at him, fear in her eyes. “What is it?”   
  


* * *

  
Willow looks so small, lying in the hospital bed. She has a bandaged cut on her forehead and a black eye and Xander seethes, internally, wanting to go back to the library and tear the place apart. It won’t help anything, but he hates just standing there, staring down at her, helpless.   
  
“The doctor said it was head trauma. She can wake up at any time, but um… the longer it lasts, the… less likely, it is.” He finishes, thickly, swallowing back the anguish that rises up in his throat. He can’t in terms of her never getting back up. He just can’t.   
  
“I never should've let her try to do that curse. Angel must've known.” Buffy said.   
  
And a bitter, angry part of Xander wants to start yelling, right there. Tell her that Angel didn’t just know, that XANDER had known. From the very beginning, he knew how this would end, but none of them listened to him, because they were all happier believing that he was just JEALOUS of Angel than ever thinking that he might know what he was talking about. Even when Angel is fucking KILLING THEM ALL, one by one, Buffy is happier thinking about him and believing in him than she is listening to Xander. But now isn’t the time or the place and he’s too tired, anyway.  
  
Buffy reaches up to Willow's face and brushes back a few stray hairs.  
  
“Where are her parents?”  
  
“With relatives in Phoenix. I gave them a call. They're... they're getting on a plane back.”  
  
Explaining it was hard. All he could tell them was that she’d been crushed under a bookcase. No explanation of how or why. It’d been… chilling and no easier than it was to face Jesse’s mom after he went “missing”.   
  
“Does Oz know?” Buffy asked.   
  
Oh, shit. He hadn’t even though to -  
  
“Oh, man. Um… I didn’t even think. Um, I’ll call him.” Xander said, twitching like he’s going to smack himself in the forehead but his casted arm refuses to budge. Oh, yeah.   
  
Buffy suddenly turns her head and Xander looks, too, at the sound of footsteps… but it’s just Cordelia. No cops. Oh, god, wait! Cordy! Xander rushes over to her, elated to see that she’s alive. Not hurt. No bitten. He thinks.   
  
“Hey.” He says, reaching her.   
  
“Hey.” She whispers back.   
  
And he leans in, kissing her fiercely. She’s okay. She’s okay. She’s okay. He didn’t know if she… and there was no way to call her, after. They step apart and Cordelia looks over at Willow.   
  
“How is she? The doctor told me that…”   
  
“Yeah. We're, uh... still waiting.”  
  
“You okay?” Buffy asked.   
  
Cordelia’s expression wavered. “I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave.”   
  
“It was the right thing to do.”   
  
“Did Giles keep up with you?” Xander asked, looking around her to see if the Watcher was going to be popping his head in next. That’d be good. That’d be reassuring. Having him on their side, with the next plan and a way to fix all of this.   
  
“I didn't see Giles.” Cordelia said, looking at him with wide eyes.  
  
“...You mean he’s not in the hospital?” Buffy asked.  
  
The implication there sunk in and made Xander feel very cold and very afraid. He shakes his head, his voice hoarse. “No.”  
  


* * *

  
Buffy takes off. And it’s fine. None of them can go with her. Cordelia doesn’t want to leave him, Xander can’t leave Willow, and Willow… well, she’s still asleep and he hasn’t been away from her longer than it took to call Oz. And when Cordelia slips out to get some coffee, he moved closer to the bed and gently takes her hand in his.   
  
He can’t lose her. Sometimes, when he looks at her, he thinks of her in terms of Jesse. Thinks that he can’t lose her like he lost Jesse… but now, he thinks that he can’t lose her because she’s WILLOW. Bright and shining and kind Willow. Willow with the intelligence and courage and the frog fear. And he squeezes her hand, gently.   
  
“Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know?” He says, his voice wavering when he tries to chuckle. “And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always…”  
  
He looks at her for a long moment, looks away for an instant, and then back at her again. He’s never been great with his own emotions. Doesn’t like facing them. Doesn’t like dealing with them. But he has to say this. It might be his only chance.  
  
“I love you.”  
  
Her face twitches and her hand gives his a squeeze. Xander's eyes widen, hope blooming in him.  
  
“Willow?”  
  
She takes a few breaths before responding, with her eyes still closed. “Oz?”   
  
Okay, ouch. But, not really, because she’s talking! He leans back, and then suddenly realizes that Oz is standing there, in the doorway.   
  
“I’m here.” He says, staring in at her. And Xander could kiss him, himself, because Willow is waking up!   
  
“She's just starting to wake up.”  
  
He moves out of the way so Oz can get to her. Willow still has her eyes closed, but her fingers are fluttering and her lips are trembling.   
  
“Hey, baby.”   
  
“Hi.”  
  
“I'm gonna go get a doctor,” Xander says, rushing from the room.   
  
Willow’s okay. That one less thing to worry about.  
  
Of course, the world still might be ending. So, there’s that.  
  


* * *

  
“So Buffy's going for the big showdown, huh? Wish we could help.” Cordelia says, pacing, looking at Xander and fluttering her hands. “You know, without dying.”  
  
“I don't see how.”  
  
Willow does, though, apparently. She nods once, before saying, “I wanna try again.”  
  
“Try what?”  
  
“The Curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we CAN restore Angel's soul.”  
  
No. Not this, again. He shouldn’t have to remind her that the last time they tried it, she almost died, he got his arm snapped like a twig, and Giles was kidnapped.   
  
“I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're weak.” He says, instead of pointing all that out, because she probably already knows.”  
  
“I'm okay,” Willow says, quietly, determined again.  
  
“You don't look okay.” He argues, turning to Cordelia. Trying to get her support on this. “Does she?”  
  
“You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat, and the lips…”  
  
Okay, not the angle he was going for. “Could we stay on topic here, honey?”   
  
“What?”  
  
“Look, it's not a good idea,” Xander says, again, firmly.  
  
“There’s no use in arguing with me,” Willow says, anyway. “Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before. You know what it means. This can help Buffy. If we turn Angel back soon enough, we can stop him from ever awakening Acathla.”  
  
“Okay, I pretty much missed out on some stuff, didn't I? Because this is all making a kind of sense that's... not.” Oz chimes in, looking between all of them.   
  
And Xander WISHES he has the time to explain all the wrong that’s happening here because maybe Oz would agree with him, but there’s no time and Willow’s already rolling along.  
  
“Go with Cordy to the library and get my things. She'll fill you in.”  
  
“Sure,” Oz says, amicable as ever. He kisses Willow’s hand. “I’ll drive.”  
  
He walks out of the room with Cordelia close behind. Xander gets up, thinking he should stop her. Or something.  
  
“Xander, go to Buffy. Tell her what we're doing. Maybe she can stall.”  
  
“But I…”  
  
Willow points to herself. “Resolve face.”  
  
There’s really no arguing her when she gets like this. Xander sighs and spends a second entertaining a violent fantasy where he's strong enough to pick up a building and hit Angel with it.  
  
“Be careful.”  
  


* * *

  
“Willow.” He says, coming to a halt. “Uh, she told me to tell you…”   
  
“Tell me what?”   
  
Buffy stops too, looking over at him. And Xander hesitates. He hesitates and he thinks about Ms. Calendar. About the break-ins, about the tormenting. About the threats and the taunts and the people who’ve died while Angel was running around on his killing spree. He thinks about his broken arm and Willow’s hurt head, and the fear that kept Cordelia frozen, even as a vampire ran at her. He thinks about Giles, kept captive and probably hurt somewhere. He thinks, and then he takes a deep breath and looks her in the eyes.

  
  
_“Kick his ass.”_


End file.
